If you’ve come here, you’ve most likely just Googled, “Why do my farts smell so bad?” You will be remiss to find out that your farts smell so bad because you are a bad person, and the stink from your heart needs an escape route.
No, of course, that’s not really why your farts smell so bad. The truth is, you’re noxious gas is a protein fart, and it’s a common and curable issue.
Why Do Protein Farts Happen?
Protein farts happen because your body has a difficult time breaking down protein. If you’re like me, you were sleeping through biology when you were supposed to be looking at the chemical makeup of protein, so when you look at it now, it seems incredibly confusing, overly complicated, and difficult to process. Protein farts happen because your body also finds the chemicals in protein incredibly confusing, overly complicated and difficult to process.
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This can lead to a protein build up which is already not fantastic for the people sitting near you, but when you consider the ingredients normally coupled with protein, this gets much worse. Whey is normally paired with quite a lot of fat, lactose, and milk, which can really get your stomach going and cause some putrid, acidic farts that will ensure you keep more than enough personal space for long periods of time. Lactose and stomach acid are sort of like oil and water. When you try to mix oil and water, the two simply separate and refuse to do what they’re told. When you mix lactose and stomach acid, the two wage a brutal war in your stomach whose sole purpose is to cause your day to be ruined and your underwear to be stained.
Why Does Protein Make Me Poop?
Unsurprisingly, protein makes you poop for a lot of the same reasons it makes you fart. That protein build up we talked about earlier? Yeah, that needs some place to go, which is normally out of you and into the toilet. This worsens ever further when we consider how much milk you’re probably pairing it with. If it seems like you’ve become lactose intolerant since you began your new high protein diet, that’s probably because the inside of your stomach probably has roughly the same nutritional content as a cannibalistic baby cow right after a meal. Unfortunately, you are not a cannibalistic baby cow, so you don’t need all of that protein and dairy that’s now resting inside of you.
Are Protein Farts Good or Bad?
If you’re asking yourself this, I appreciate your optimism. On the surface, protein farts have almost 0 upsides. They’re smelly enough that if you held back for a long time you might turn your local gym into a Chernobyl re-enactment, and they are a sure sign that you’re eating way too much protein and dairy. In this way, their only value is that they indicate a part of your diet that may require changing.
You’re in an extreme mindset, though, aren’t you? You want to know: “Does farting burn calories?”
The short answer is: no.
“Bro, what’s the long answer? Do farting burn calories?”
Okay, bro. Here’s the long answer. They can. An average fart is relaxing a lot of muscles in your body, and the work is done by your bowels, burning a net total of 0 calories. On the other hand, a lot of farting – if you really worked for it, really pushed ‘em out- would cause your heartbeat to rise and still burn a fairly insignificant amount of calories. In the meantime, your farting would become incredibly uncomfortable and you’d never enjoy a dutch oven again.
How To Prevent Protein Farts
So, is there a protein farts cure?
Of course, there is a protein farts cure. The first and most obvious way to stop protein farts are to consume less protein. If you’re having terrible protein farts, you’re definitely consuming too much protein. I know protein makes gains, but if you can get the concept with calories you can get it with protein. When losing weight, you want calories burned to be greater than calories consumed. When curing protein farts, you want protein burned to be roughly equal to protein burned.
You can also up your fiber intake. Fiber can help facilitate the breakdown of proteins and fats and make your farts less stinky and your poops less frequent. And fiber is one of the easiest ways to stop protein farts. You can get fiber from that weird green stuff your non-paleo friends call “Veggie Tales.” A lot of those are actually good for you, too, they’re not as poisonous as they taste.
When searching for things like “protein farts,” “farted so bad my girlfriend’s nose broke, how to help,” or “how to stop protein farts,” you’ll find something else that seems pretty basic: know your protein. The concept of knowing what you’re putting into your body and why may be foreign to many fitness fans, but in searching for a protein farts cure it is vital.
What’s also shocking is that the rest of the ways to stop protein farts involve dietary habits. For example, since we know that the milk going along with your whey is probably causing the cottage cheese build up in your underwear, you can simply watch your dairy intake. Use water instead of milk with your whey protein. You can try carminatives as well, a big word meaning spices that make you fart less, such as garlic, cinnamon or cumin.
The last dietary way to stop protein farts is to take a page from John Stamos’ book and be a star from the 90s to cure protein farts, or if time travel isn’t your thing, eat some yogurt. Yogurt is a probiotic, meaning it is the natural enemy of beans, beans the magical fruit. Of course, if you’ve been searching furiously for a way you can consistently stop protein farts, you can go beyond Jamie Lee Curtis commercials and try out a probiotic supplement. They are easy to find online and work quite well as a protein farts cure.